


Brief Dark Teatime of the Lost Souls

by kuonji



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Ringu | The Ring - All Media Types, Secret Window (2004)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 15:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8377114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: Three souls in varying circumstances of abnormal existence meet for tea and a pleasant conversation about murder.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back when these three films had first come out and were in the popular culture quite a bit, and I shared it with just a few friends for fun. The script format is not my forte, and I won't pretend that I at all adhered to the correct conventions. I'm posting this story here mostly in the interest of a complete archive, but hopefully a few nostalgic folks may lay a kind eye on it.

B = Captain Barbossa, from "Pirates of the Caribbean"  
M = Mort Rainey aka John Shooter, from "Secret Window" (played by Johnny Depp who also plays Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean")  
S = Sumara Morgan (the undead squelchy version), from "The Ring"

B is still cursed, M is as he is at the end of the movie, and S is still stuck in the well.

* * *

B, _to M_ : "Say, I've met ye somewhere before, haven't I? Pillaged your village maybe?"

M: "I'm sure you haven't."

B: "You look familiar, at any rate."

M: "I've never been to the ocean in my life -- such as it is."

B: "You're missing out, landlubber."

M: "I'm 'a dirt farmer from Mississippi'. Not too many opportunities for wandering the world."

S: "Are you two quite done?"

B: "Here now, missy, stop leaning over the table. You're getting the crumpets all soggy."

S: " _I_ can't help it. I've been stuck in a well for over fifteen years."

_B and M stare at her skeptically._

M: "If you're stuck in a well, what are you doing here?"

S _, primly_ : "I come out occasionally." _Then, ominously, in a voice quite unlike her usual one:_ "To kill people."

_B and M nod._

M: "Oh, well, I do that too. Only I'm out almost all the time now that Mort's run off."

_S, annoyed at their blasé acceptance of her murderous tendencies, swigs back some tea._

_B tsks at her._ "Really, missy, didn't your parents teach you _any_ manners? Here I am a pirate and I know enough to keep me elbows off the linen."

M: "Must've been raised in a barn." _He looks disgustedly at the dripping apparition next to him._

 _S slams down her teacup and draws herself up._ "In fact, my dad trappedme in the barn and my mom threw me down a well."

_A beat of silence._

B: "Er, well then. Sorry to hear that, I'm sure."

M, _in a tone expressing fully his opinion that parents are of course a despicable thing to have_ : "Glad I don't have any parents." 

S, _trying to seem soliciting, since she isn't getting any attention otherwise_ : "Did they die?"

M: "No. Mort just never got around to making up any for me. 'A dirt farmer from Mississippi' was about all the character development I got. Rotten, cowardly, and a _bad writer_." _Sniffs disdainfully._

_B and S exchange confused looks._

B: "So, missy, how do you go about killing people then? Don't see any swords or pistols on you."

 _S grins, which makes her appearance slightly more dreadful._ "I just walk at them, like this." _She demonstrates, creepy music emitting from nowhere as she does so. She ends with a teleportation of several feet, putting her dripping hair right in B's face._

 _B lifts an eyebrow._ "That's a neat trick. So then what?"

 _S draws back, confused._ "What?"

B: "Do you stab 'em or what?"

S: "No. They just... die. Of fright."

_B starts laughing. M sniffs again._

M: "I expect they're scared they'll catch some awful disease off of her."

S: "What?!"

B: "Missy, you've never seen fright till you see me crew on the _Pearl_ on a moonlit night."

_Moonlight obligingly streams in the window to show Capt. B in his true (cursed) form as he takes a swallow of tea. S and M recoil in disgusted surprise. The tea splatters through his rotting ribcage onto the floor._

B _, scowling_ : "I hate when that happens."

S _, to M_ : "So, mister, what do _you_ kill people with?"

_M pulls something from a pocket and slaps it on the desk. B and S lean over and see a plastic-handled screwdriver._

S: "Is that all?"

 _B takes another careful swallow of tea after the moon ducks behind a cloud again, confused at the goings-ons and annoyed at being called up for only a cameo._ "Not very impressive, eh?" 

_S nods in satisfied agreement._ "Mine was much better."

M _, stiffening in affront_ : "It's not always a screwdriver. I've also used an axe, and a pair of scissors, and a quite heavy shovel..." _He comes to a stumbling halt as he realizes how very mundane and ridiculous this all sounds._ "Well, I don't have the advantage of being _dead_ like you two are."

B: "Cursed."

 _Simultaneously_ , S: " _Un_ dead."

M: "Whatever. Anyway, I wasn't going for a sensational murder. None of those cheating, prying bastards would have deserved to be in the paper."

B _, to S_ : "So what do you get from all this frightening to death of people?"

S: "Get?"

B: "You know, gold, jewels." _Waves a bejeweled hand to illustrate._ "Or more like Mort here, for revenge?"

S: "It's not revenge exactly."

M: "So, you take over their spouse, their property, their townhouse, what?"

S: "No, I'm stuck in a well, remember?"

M: "Oh, sorry."

S: "I just kill people who watch my video."

_B and M nod in understanding._

B: "Aye, copyright infringement is getting to be a real problem nowadays, eh?" 

_S starts to protest but then wisely decides not to argue the point._

_A bell rings._

S: "Oh drat, I have to go."

B: "So soon? We've still the sandwiches to get to."

S: "Can't. I have to kill some posh kid in New York. At least I hear they have big TVs there. I almost got stuck last time in a 16-inch."

_B and M look at each other and shrug._

B: "Farewell, then, missy."

M: "G'bye, luv."

B _, narrowing eyes suspiciously at M_ : "Are ye _sure_ I've not met you before?"

M _, unaffected_ : "Sure I'm sure. I'll be going, too. Need to wake up ol' Mort and kick him into weeding the cornstalks before the light fails. Enjoy the sandwiches."

 _B shrugs and stands as well, snagging a cucumber sandwich on the way out._

B: "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me..."

  
END.


End file.
